Falling….

Super Mom?

I should have known it wouldn’t last..

My calendar all neat with everyday bursting with activity.. Motivated Mom’s calendar checked off everyday, keeping the house up was a breeze. Laundry done, beds done, dinners planned and made. All cleaning responsibilities done. With as many as 5 kiddos running around my house. Couldn’t get enough sex, begging and instigating and wanting more and more.

And now I feel like doing nothing. Laundry piled up, dishes piled up, chinese ordered, baking done just so I could stuff my face and fulfill my duty to provide snack for small group, movies all day long, internet all day long, snacks and junk all day long, projects started and not finished, no chores done, can’t even imagine fulfilling the many social obligations going on this weekend..

Music washing over me, making me feel, on the verge of tears..

blah

Very odd..

Last night I was up late reading “Sanguis quid Ligurat” by Fiona.. It’s a chlex fanfic.. Anyway.. I got to the point where I was having a lot of trouble reading it. I literally felt as though I was out of my body. Almost like I was sitting here at the computer, but my consciousness was a few inches to the left of my physical body.. It was such a weird feeling and I was having such a hard time focusing because of it. I finally went to bed because I just couldn’t read like that anymore. It was really bizarre.

I have read reports of people on anti-convulsants used for bipolar that have the same symptoms at high dosages though.. It’s only happened once since being on 1200mg a day and it was super late for me, going on midnight…

I hope it doesn’t happen again!

I’m ok..

My appt. went well. The psychiatrists agree with my counselor that I have Bipolar II. They put me on a mood stabilizer, Trileptal. I’ve been taking it since last Tuesday night, I got a slight headache after taking it the first couple of times, but other than that no other side effects. It’s pretty much been decided that we won’t TTC until about 18 months from now.. We’ll see how that goes. They would want me to slowly ween off the drugs and have them out of my system for 6 months. I had decided that emotionally as well as financially it wasn’t a good time to go on the TTC route.

Thanksgiving was good. My Aunt Sandy and Uncle Jules were in town. It was nice visiting with them and my Aunt and I had fun shopping on black Friday.

Katie and I took a nap today, snuggled on the couch. Brian did so much for me around the house, a ton of laundry, and he put up most of the Christmas lights outside.

There really is more I have to say, but I just don’t feel like talking right now..

I hope everyone is well..

Oh and I want to do Christmas cards this year, so  you know the drill..

I have most people’s addresses from last year I think, but send it to me anyway.. veronica525@gmail.com

Oh and Nikki, I had never heard of Melissa and Doug toys before, and when I read your post I checked them out. The majority of the girls gifts this year will be the M&D products! Thanks for sharing about them!

Diagnosis….

Bipolar II…………..

Aggravation

It’s a wonder I even try to do anything about what is going on with me..

I’m told it would be a good idea for me to see a psychiatrist..

That bipolar is most definitely what I am dealing with and then what..

I sit on this information knowing it’s true but trying to think it away into oblivion.

I finally decide, yeah, this sucks living this way and I really don’t like flying off the handle at times, and being really depressed at times and thinking suicidal thoughts one day and feeling like a hot sex goddess the next. My relationships suffer because of it, working outside the home gets messed up because of it, my marriage gets messed up, my parenting gets royally messed up. I want to be “stable” for my kids and find that I can’t help it when I’m not.. I say, yeah, I need to see a psychiatrist, I agree with you Amanda (my counselor)..

I make calls…

Every damn in-network psychiatrist I have called isn’t taking on any more patients..

I’m extremely pissed off about this, it’s fucking ridiculous..

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I don’t know… I don’t know how I’m supposed to handle all of this.. I was doing pretty well today.. Still not myself but definitely not feeling like I was last night and then boom. I’m washing dishes.. I had decided to make a chocolate cake from scratch, so excited to try it and I still have to make the buttercream frosting, so I ‘m washing all the dishes so I can have my stuff clean to make the frosting and I just feel like I’m going to explode again.. Everything is quiet in the house. Katie is taking a nap, Brianna and Conner are playing little people quietly and Brandon is doing the toddler thing, but quietly.. And I’m washing dishes thinking about all this stuff.. All this stuff that I can’t even figure out because it is going so fast and it just makes me incredibly pissed off. I mean if I could just punch something or better yet shoot something.. I actually wish that I had my Tekken 3 for playstation.. That way I could beat something up in the game without resorting to actual physical violence.. My goodness. I just can’t seem to get this under control.. I mean I guess I’m doing that by sitting down and typing how I feel instead of I don’t know anything else.. But still.. I think maybe I should try to see my counselor before Sept. 9th or whenever the hell I’m supposed to see him.. I’m just so… I don’t know.. my body feels so weird.. Just out of control.. And the thing is that this isn’t not normal for me.. I feel like this a lot, well usually after having a really good week and then I get all down in the dumps and depressed.. I get so mad because I usually come up with some really great stuff I want to do.. Like go back to school or like this past week I was all about being a foster parent and selling creative memories.. Going out everynight and hanging out with my friends.. I had something going on everyday and I was quite the social butterfly and then sometime around Sunday night I totally crashed… I tried to have a serious discussion with Brian about how the sermon related to our marriage and he made a kind of joke out of it and then I was just gone.. Totally upset, not letting him see that he upset me and then I was furious.. And I have been that way off and on since then.. Last night was really nice.. He came into our room as I layed there watching TV and then said he was going to take a shower and asked me if I wanted to join him. I said I don’t know.. Then he said don’t you want to take a shower. I think he must have read my journal about me just wanting to be in the water and so I said ok.. He did specify non-sexual shower though LOL.. He washed me and everything and I think that is one of the first times he has ever done that and then I totally attacked him in the sexual sense… But then when we got out of the shower to move to the bed I had a brain freeze and said, holy crap, we shouldn’t have done that we didn’t use protection and who knows when I’m going to ovulate on this wacky cycle.. So we could have potentially just conceived *Q* baby #3.. and I was upset and crying because obviously that isn’t our plan and he said it was alright and said we’ll just have a May baby and take the baby with us to Hawaii.. He seriously was so sweet but I wasn’t entirely convinced… I felt awful and then was all depressed so I just layed there while he went downstairs to get a drink. Then I got online for a minute. Then got back into bed and we watched Who’s Line and I laughed hysterically.. Then I was exhausted and he tucked me in and off to dreamland I went.. I didn’t want to wake up this morning, my temp rose, but only a tenth, so hopefully I don’t ovulate for awhile.. Though I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world.. My morning was alright though we have no food in the house, I have yet to go grocery shopping and so yeah.. The kids had fruitbars for breakfast.. I did all the dishes this morning just so I could make chocolate cake. Then I made lunch and we had hanburgers. Then got the cake going.. It smells really good.. I’m starting to not be so mad anymore, but that feeling of an explosion waiting to happen is still running through my veins.. I think I was thinking about going to my counselor sooner rather than later.. I should really call and see when I can get in.. I also want to get my hair done before Saturday but I’m not sure if that is going to happen.. We are going out to Miranova in Columbus, Limo and everything. I’m highly looking forward to it..

Alright.. I guess I should probably go. I still have to make my buttercream frosting..