Knocked Up, LCC, Reflections

Last night was rough..

and it also happened to be one of the best cell groups we’ve had in awhile. Brian wrote down questions, a serious one and a fun one and cut them up and put them in a hat. Then we took turns picking them and telling what our answers were. they let me go first, and not answer right away, because it takes me a little while to formulate my thoughts.Anyway, Clay got two questions and took one happened to be one he always answers. So later on in the night I said he should go again because he always got that question. Then he said, I was a cheater (I had taken my original question and put it back in the hat and took a new one because I didn’t like the one I had..) So I take another one and it says:

What do you need prayer on right now?
What’s your favorite dish?

So I say:

My favorite food is lemon chicken, prepared the way my Mom makes it.

And the second is:

I’m not going to go into the whole staying at home thing, because I am so sick of that and I feel like that is all Brian and I ever talk about.

So, I have been having a lot of issues lately, mostly at work. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I beleive that I need to go into some sort of counseling. I have been reading some things lately and it all points to one thing, since I have been in junior hight anyway.. And that thing is called Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been able to live and handle things because I’ve never been in one place to long for things to get overly stressful. Well now I am in this job for about 1 and 6 months and I can’t handle it anymore.. I have a stress free job and it is the most stressful thing to me, because I make it that way. I don’t do it on purpose, but the smallest things, that normally I can handle, I can no longer handle them. It is affecting my relationships, my marriage, it is affecting everything… But I’m so scared at the same time, because I know how I am and I know that I never succeed when I try to get something, I always fall through. And if I go get help I just know I am going to sabotage it in some way shape or form. And apart of me truly believes that I don’t have a problem at all and that it is everyone else. But I know that is just me being unrealistic… I don’t know. Everything is just so hard and I know that being under so much stress isn’t good for me or the baby, and that I should do something about this.. But it’s like I can’t. šŸ˜¦ I want to talk to my Dad because I know he is always there for me and will always help me, he got me a counselor before, but everytime I try to pick up the phone to talk to him I can’t. It makes me cry. Because then it’s like they (my parents) will know that I haven’t been truthful, because around them and pretty much everyone I act like everything is perfectly fine and I am the happiest person alive. How can I go from there to I am completely falling apart and if I keep living this way I am going to jump off a bridge. I guess the truth is that I have always in my subconscious thought I wasn’t good enough, and the reason being because my own mother didn’t even want me and she was 34. I love the fact that I am adopted and that I was chosen by such loving and caring parents. That I wouldn’t have what I have without them. I feel truly blessed, but somewhere in that brain I have trained myself to feel that I am not good enough, that I have to do everything possible so that people will like me. It’s like they couldn’t possibly just like me for me, even my parents. I tried to be what they wanted for me, and I always failed. And after doing that year after year, it’s like you can’t get out of it. Like I have this complex that I will fail at everything so why bother, or things that seem to be so easy (even for me at times) are too much that I can’t handle it. Then it piles up and the more it does the more I freak out and retreat into not doing it at all.

Everyone was completely blown away except Brian. No one knew that I was having these issues… not even the people who read this. If you haven’t noticed I don’t go too much into detail about my life, it’s because I don’t want people to be let in, then they will know and I don’t even like knowing..

Sigh…

6 thoughts on “Last night was rough..”

  1. I’m glad you felt like you could open up to your group…does your work offer counseling? I know at Jake’s office they can get 4 or 8 visits free and then the others are pretty cheap, I think talking to someone could help..I think a Christian counselor makes a big difference to, so if you were willing you might ask your pastor if they have someone the reccommend. Personally from your description, I’m not sure you have Borderline personality disorder, those are normally very over the top people, I think you just have some issues to deal with but a trained person can help you sort it all out…I’m really proud of you for sharing it at group and here…admitting is the first step, right?

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  2. Yeah.. I know what you mean about the BPD.. It fits, yet I’m not that extreme, just really mild. In fact I settled down a lot with everything once Brianna was born. I used to do the whole self-harm thing but not anymore…..

    My friends from group are going to give me some info on this Christian Counseling place around here. So I most definitely might check that out.

    And your right about the first step, I’m glad I did, but I feel like I can’t move from there..

    If you could send some prayer my way, I’d appreciate it. I think I need all the prayer I can get!

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  3. first i want to say that i am glad that you are talking about it becuase that is the first step. i seriously think you need to seek counseling. you are way to hard on yourself and need someone who is an outside party to show you that. i wish i had better advice i am not too familiar with bpd. i hope you get some help it makes me sad to see you so sad and no one deserves to live like that. you are a good person even if you don’t believe it. please keep us updated. and i am always here to listen to what ever gripe you have.

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  4. (((Veronica)))
    I will be praying for you and you will be in my thoughts. I can relate a bit to some of things you feel as far as being stressed out and trying to be so happy so noone knows how I really feel at times. I tend to stress myself out over little things, but it is so hard to break the pattern. Please know that you are not alone šŸ™‚
    Ella

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  5. I’ll definitely be praying for you…for changes in how you feel, courage to seek cousneling and support from Brian and your group! šŸ™‚

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